


Millaflower

by Etzi



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adding tags as I go along, Dom!Kylo, Dominant Kylo Ren, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fix your attitude ruined me, Force Bond (Star Wars), Inappropriate Use of the Force, Slow Burn, Submissive Character, sub!Reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:29:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24138901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etzi/pseuds/Etzi
Summary: You're a strong force user, maybe even stronger than the supreme leader. But you don't care. You'd rather be looking at cacti and petting cats than dealing with Jedi and Sith. But you can't help it when they want to force it out of you. Expecially an unknown man who haunts your thoughts. Literally.I'm bad at summaries. This is my first story and I plan on it being a long one with a ton of eventual smut and maybe fluff? Not sure. Expect a super relatable hippy reader who's going to get on everyone's nerves because she's already on mine planning this out.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	1. Fucking flowers.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm bad at summaries. This is my first story and I plan on it being a long one with a ton of eventual smut and maybe fluff? Not sure. Expect a super relatable hippy reader who's going to get on everyone's nerves because she's already on mine planning this out. I read Fix Your Attitude by Kassanovella and I am forever changed. I hope I can get all my thoughts out and I would LOVE for some story ideas and definitely would love someone to bounce ideas off. Sound off in the comments and be sure to kudos to let me know I'm on the right track.

Small, green sparks came from your fingertips. The sparks looked iridescent as they spread over the deadened leaf you were tending to. The plant responded immediately and green bled back into its features. You squealed as you watched it. You rocked back from your kneeling position to instead rest on your haunches, continuing to watch as your small plant began to grow tiny blossoms of some type of unknown white flower.

With a sigh, you pulled out a twine-wrapped journal along with a pencil and began to make a quick rough sketch of it before throwing the items and journal back into your satchel. You made your way back to the village you were currently residing in. You couldn’t deal with remembering the names of places you’ve been. You’ve been running for so long. You wiggled your bare toes against the ground as your memory flickered across memories mirroring where you already were. Different plants, Different planets. Same enemies, though. Always the First Order.

Always the same face splattered with freckles and blood in your dreams, with a wicked smile most nights and sometimes with a face covered with tears instead. You knew who the first order was and could identify them easily. You don’t deal with stormtroopers all the time. But the face in your dreams was one you couldn’t identify. But it brought you shivers down your spine thinking of them. You felt their presence whenever the ‘troopers dropped down on any planet you were hiding on.

You knew you were force sensitive when you were young. Your parents dropped and abandoned you as soon the green sparks started growing vegetables in the dead of winter. At the age of 12, you were alone. It wasn’t sad, though. You were pretty happy. You listened to whispers in the back of your head, that you could only assume were past Jedi, guiding you along your path. You learned you could do much more than help grow plants. You learned how to heal wounds and cure sicknesses. You knew you could easily outpower any First Order officers due to experience.

But killing or healing wasn’t your thing. You didn’t give a fuck about other people. Plants, especially succulents and other forms of cacti, were your only friends. If you dove headfirst into how your powers could be harnessed, you’d have an even bigger target on your head. Some green gremlin thing even appeared to you in your dreams and told you the same thing. “Be strong, you will. Stay secret, you should,” it spoke to you. He reminded you of a particular succulent you grew back on Tatooine and he made you happy when he’d poke in to say hello.

But the same powers that you loved did have consequences. For life to work, death had to occur. The plant you had healed earlier had risen from the death of a weed you found nearby.

When healing animals or sentient beings, there were trade-offs. You never killed another to heal.

In one instance, a young man, maybe 20 had been shot in his shoulder, right above his heart. The blood was everywhere, you remembered. The blaster barely brushed past a vital artery. Staring into his eyes which were so scared, made you solemn. You held his hand tight and had said, “Trust me.” He closed his eyes and so did you, breathing slow, ignoring the background noise as you healed the shoulder injury, hearing his skin pull back together and his small hisses of pain. You bit your lip as you opened your eyes, raising them to his own, still closed peacefully, and in a split second a new wound on his body appeared, this time on his leg, bleeding profusely but not pulsing like his original wound was. You waved a hand over his face quickly, pulling him into unconsciousness as you dragged him into a safe area, away from the troopers who were shooting only at you. He was just caught in the crossfire. You pulled out a vial of bacta you kept for yourself and put a thin layer over the new wound, knowing it would seal it within a few minutes before bolting away.

That instance was the first time the ‘troopers had had their blasters set to kill. Usually, they were set to stun. There were never any large numbers of raiders sent, however. Usually, a TIE fighter with a handful of them would land, try telling you to come safely to them, that the first order would accommodate your talents, blah blah blah, la la la. Whoever told them you were force sensitive was a snitchy bitch for all you cared.

You usually ran, using the force around your feet to clear the ground of anything that could encumber you and throw it behind yourself to barricade your pursuers. You almost always got away with no scratches or bumps and they always retreated fairly quickly. You never tried to kill. That was your rule... But they never really tried. They never chased you long. It was like they were testing you and you knew it. That issue with the young man, which was the most recent encounter with them, was the only time they began trying to kill you. Why was having this power such a thing? You weren’t using it to kill people. You only ever healed yourself and the young man ever before. Why would the First Order want you?

That was months ago and you were getting comfortable on your new planet. You’d grow some plants, sell some plants. You’d tend to sick animals, and mostly used said plants to heal. You acted as a simple medic or vet and you were okay with that. You resided in an “abandoned” (You’re pretty positive the real owners were on vacation due to the fact it was immaculate and still had running water) home. You walked in, hanging your satchel on a nearby hook by the door.

You continued to float tiredly across the foyer, reaching the bathroom door and almost slamming into it. You didn’t realize how tired you were when your shoulder banged into it. _“Fuuucckkkk”_ you groaned. You pushed open the door fully and went to the sink, immediately running the faucet till it ran hot. You stared at yourself in the mirror. Your olive skin had splotches of dirt that almost matched your freckles. Your green eyes still sparkled dully through your sleepiness. Your red hair was braided down to your waist, baby hairs exposed. You sighed as you washed your hands, splashing your face quickly and beginning to wash yourself off, finally feeling your face smooth and getting the dirt under your fingernails clean. You paused at the sinks basin, fingers gripping the edges of it loosely.

As the water swirl down the drain, you reached up to the spaghetti straps of your plain white dress, beginning to slide it off before you felt something.  
A cold something. You couldn’t place it. It crept up from your ankles, like a snake it slithered and wrapped around your calves and landed around your torso, continuing upwards between your breasts and up your neck, choking you before it took a nosedive into the back of your head. Flashes of sadness, pain. A father and mother fighting. Anger. A mask breaking walls as it’s thrown. Bright lights searing into the skin. Anxiety… Being watched.

The feeling exit as quickly as it came, with a hard gasp out of your mouth you came back into reality. Your body still felt cold and your breathing came into hard pants as you bolted from the bathroom. You were slipping sandals on for once and you tripped along with a string of curses. All you knew is that you had to move.

When you finally got both your feet screwed in the right direction was when you heard it. The low hum of a TIE fighter landing. You didn’t hear any screaming or shooting. Yet. The cold grew on you yet the feeling didn’t ebb as you continued out the door. As if it was calling you, you followed into the cold feeling. You looked up at the sky as two more ships came into view, flanking the main one which was fully planted. You weren’t in the center of town so you couldn’t see everything clear as day but you saw as stormtroopers marched out. One dressed in all metallic met with a couple of the residents. No blasters were drawn.

The metallic officer’s eyes followed towards you as the person speaking pointed to your home. You weren’t scared as the officer came forward. A part of you almost began walking forward with a wave. Hi, person with a big blade gun thing! I’m ready to be shot! The cold feeling continued and growing but it began to turn into a stinging type of warmth. You wondered if you reached the calm that those with hypothermia felt before death seized them. You were burning up with the pulling in your heart. Someone was pulling you but you felt yourself having an equal tug against the string. As you stuttered forward a larger ship flew down, all black with the wings pointed straight upwards. The stormtroopers parted as if they were the red sea.

It landed with a flourish of dust and dirt in a whirlwind. The tugging feeling continued and the metallic knight that was originally on their way to you paused to part as well, ceasing their trek. You stepped forward quicker than you were before. Your body was telling you to run to whoever was aboard that ship. You needed them. You were being torn apart.

The icy feeling wrapped around your heart and squeezed as a group of six officers came off the ship. All wore all black with no exceptions. It seemed even their weapons, which were a bit scarier than blasters.

You were close enough to see specific features of the townspeople's faces. A little girl looked behind her shoulder and saw you and her eyes squinted, looking at your features before turning back forward and saying loud enough for you to hear, “She’s the medic, sir.” to anyone particular.

One last person emptied the black ship and the ice feeling retracted completely from your body. You felt weak. Your breathing is labored. They approached the rest of his crew, leading them forward and meeting with the metallic knight. You heard them call Mr. Metallic Phasma. They had a mask on and their voice was robotic and unfeeling, but you could tell a human was underneath it. They dragged their face forward and people began parting just slightly, shifting uncomfortably.

Realizing it was a peaceful situation, some even returned to their homes and the soldiers didn’t stop them. You sidestepped trying to peak over someone's shoulder and as they eventually moved, you made eye contact with them.

The darkest of the knights who spoke. They should’ve terrified you. As you made “eye contact” (saying that loosely because of the mask hiding any kind of specific facial detail.) warmth spread through you. Real warmth. Not the icy grip that gave off false flames.

Images like before passed before your eyes and they were mixed this time. You could recognize these feelings and scenes. Happiness. Your mother is holding you and laughing. A separate mother speaking to a group of people and yelling “Hope!”. You could feel pride. A father complimenting flying skills. Your father showing off how you had built a sandcastle. Annoyance at how the sand got everywhere. Things you weren’t able to grasp ripped from you. The training words of the little green gremlin. The way you healed with green sparks instead of with an invisible force. You felt shame as you were yelled at by a gigantic projection of some equally freaky looking thing. Suddenly it went black.

It hurt. You couldn’t hear or see. You tried breathing through it, focusing on the sound of the oxygen vibrating through your ribs as if you were sick. You focused until you were brought back completely.

When the world returned to you with a rush, you were on the ground. Your throat is raw, you realized. You must’ve been screaming. You were still staring at the ground in front of you, your knees had become scratched and one of your feet was bleeding. You couldn’t help it as you retched. Calming voices wrapped around your hands as if holding you close. They flashed the memory of the specter that haunted some of your dreams. The face that was either covered in blood or tears, always with freckles. Move. They pushed you to your feet. Move. They forced your head up, facing the knight. Their fists were bunched tightly. You noticed a tiny hole in their glove from gripping so tight. You could hear their breathing ragged. People had long since parted. How long were you out of it? A pounding in your head, very urgently screamed, **“MOVE.”**

You ripped your eyes away from them and you ran, not knowing if that's what they wanted you to do. You went to the forest. You ripped away leaves effortlessly and moved vines that would’ve tripped you. You could tell only the darkest knight was after you. What could you nickname him? Bucket? Bucket. You knew this forest by heart. You ran past the area where you healed the flower, and then equally ran over it. You reached a large lake and paused at it. Turning around to see where Bucket was. You heard the humming of a weapon. A lightsaber you immediately recognized. You never really cared for those weapons. Any weapon looked kind of dumb to you but you stayed planted, still. Bucket appeared not so suddenly. If anything they were slow. Yeah, Their weapon was drawn but you didn’t find yourself scared at all. Bucket saw into your brain at the ships, You saw into Bucket’s. They were a torn and broken thing and also bipolar it seemed as you saw trees behind him cracking and falling over.

“Who are you?” You asked. Your voice is surprisingly relaxed. You surprised yourself as you started taking leaves out of your braids and leaned down to get the dirt off your knees, noticing your dress was ripped in multiple areas across. That’s embarrassing.  
“I made this, you know.” You motioned at your clothes. “I’d like to know where to send the bill.”  
Bucket made no noise for eternity. They turned off the saber and slowly sheathed it.

“How did you do that? Any of it? Who trained you? You need a better teacher. I could help you.”  
Their vocoder warped their voice. Bucket reached their hand only slightly towards you. You didn’t retreat and instead observed them closely. Why was the cold pulling you back to them? You wanted to run to Mr. Bucket. To allow them to teach you. Teach you to kill. To overpower. You pushed those particular details out.

“You’re force sensitive. You can sense emotions easily. I’m sure you just made up situations in your head to go along with said feelings.” You spoke slowly. Were they dumb? They were strong enough to have made a fucking lightsaber and still didn’t understand the basics? All you had was a ghost gremlin and you understood it. You prematurely set up a barrier anyways against any more mind tricks. You were becoming irritated simply because they were becoming irritated and that… was irritating.

“You saw memories. I saw memories. What was that?” They relaxed their stance just to point an accusing finger at you, except their entire palm floated at you and you could tell he was probably trying to use some force wombo jumbo. You laughed, genuinely. It filled the space between them, echoing the quiet sound of the birds tweeting happily now that the echoing of trees falling settled.  
“Are you constipated or something? That’s not a look for you.” You felt little tingles at your forehead affirming that Bucket was trying to break past your barrier and you waved your hands in front of yourself as if you were swatting a fly.

Bucket’s hand instantly retracted and their fists clenched and unclenched. Oops. You placed one foot behind yourself, your feet sinking slightly against the lake's muddy banks. You were like a deer, ready to flounce away.

“We’ve been… searching for you. Your existence has caused some sort of… awakening. The First Order wants you. We-” Bucket cut off clearing their throat. You could tell it was more-so them that were searching for you. Maybe their ghostly apparition buddy told him to find you. They sighed.  
“I’d like to learn from you. And you could gain from learning from me.”

You scoffed. “I’m a medic. I don’t kill people. I barely even like healing people. You just happened to ruin the only thing here I even mildly liked. You killed my fucking trees! I stepped on a flower I was trying to revive for weeks with no avail and you just zapped everything with your light stick thing! You must also be crazy if you think I’d go anywhere with you people. Not that I care really about what you people do, but it ain’t my style. I can’t live on a ship.”

You could tell you were becoming relaxed with your mental barrier. You allowed them in enough to feel the annoyance you felt and the truth behind your words. But for some reason, some odd reason your mind flashed with the quick dreams of the freckled boy, covered in blood.

With a rough growl their hands ripped off their helmet, a hiss coming from it and you raised an eyebrow at him and blinked a couple of times. “Your helmet would’ve scared me into submission more you know-” You cut off. You stared. HIS face (Yes. A man.)

His lips were pressed angrily together. A snarl was caught, you could tell. He huffed and was speaking something that before you would have laughed off. But now you were captivated as he spoke. He spoke of training and power. He spoke of raw talent as a rough compliment to you. You could hear annoyance at saying that you were on his level, if not stronger. But you were still frozen.

His face was almost roman. With tanned skin and a long nose. Brown eyes that didn’t have a sparkle in them but definitely could have. Freckles. Freckles all over him. Starting from the dark hair that framed his face in curls and stopping at the base of his neck which was partially hidden with the cowl and cape he was wearing over his armor. The boy. The man. With the blood and tears. The years of dreams that enticed you and terrified you. You had a choice here. Gentle voices told you to go to him. Your feelings told you to go to him. Not romantically, if anything you could appreciate his looks but that wasn’t it. You realized it all now. It was up to you that could make him blood splattered or drained of tears. Fucking green gremlin. Where were you now? Maybe he was one of the many chorusing you to go to him. It wasn't an ex-Bucket pulling you either. He continued to drone on. Staring at you straight in the eye, unnervingly strong. He oozed power. You realized he was being nice to you... Barely. You were in his head. You saw the pain he’s caused. You raised your hand, waving. He paused his speech, jaw tightening.

“I’m in.” You whispered.


	2. Cracked Vase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're aboard the finalizer. Time to start training? No? Okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I don't know much of the star wars universe but I did some small basic studying. My main thing with this fiction was that I wanted it to be easy reading for veterans and newbies like myself to the star wars universe. I looked up a lot of things through wookiepedia and read and read and READ just to figure out what was possible within the force. If you look up the planet I included with the cuffs, you'd see what I was trying to accomplish. If I got anything wrong, let me know. As a writer though. I have to assume that I have creative rights but I still want it to be believable.

You didn't know where to go from here. No calming voices came to you as you were "gently" boarded onto Bucket's ship. You learned his name was Kylo Ren, and the six friendly fellows with him were his buddies. You didn't learn exactly what was going to happen after arriving aboard the Finalizer. You were uncomfortable. You knew you were considered a flight risk so you went along with being cuffed. You let your mind be open to whatever meanderings you thought wouldn't give away your anxiety. Kylo was silent. His mask was put back on. You couldn't find him searching through your head which was a surprise but his entire demeanor towards you changed.

In the forest, you both seemed like friendly rivals. He was abrasive, sure. But now he disregarded your existence completely. When you were cuffed you let out a hiss as they were tightened to the point of breaking the skin. You were plopped down in the corner away from everyone else. You wanted to brush your hair out of your face and couldn't. You were able to tug your dress down. It had already barely met your knees before but now holes were everywhere, a vertical slit was open between your breasts. Tears adorned your thigh from when you were running, making your once cute simple dress seem dirty... in the non dirt related way. 

You usually didn't care for modesty. Sometimes you even would skinny dip by lakes and ponds. But you were freezing. You shivered loudly with a "Brrr" coming from your lips. You were studying the tiles of the ship's floor, counting little specks where maybe someone stomped too hard. You began humming a little bit, a tune that you usually saved to calm injured animals. It felt fitting.

You were doing that for a length of time before you felt familiar tingles. He was staring at you, you knew, but your eyes were still trained on the floor. You felt him flip through small memories. He wasn't delving deep. He was looking for how you were feeling, any sign of mischievousness. You inwardly giggled but you were able to block that from him. You began pushing images of you running through the forest except happily. You showed yourself sewing up your dress. You learned to sew by hand by stitching wounds (usually on yourself from tripping and falling). You pushed parts of your personality out. Images of you bartering for lower prices from a merchant. You cursing at a stormtrooper who was too dumb to think you couldn't get past him. You had put him to sleep using the force and stole some of his medical gear before ditching the site completely and escaping to your current planet. You tried to show him how neutral you were. You didn't plan on helping either light or dark. You showed your indifference.

You raised your head knowing he had to have figured out that you knew he was in there. While doing so, you made direct eye contact with his mask. He was staring you down but with the mask on you couldn't tell where exactly he was looking. You wiggled again and turned and stared at a corner like a scorned toddler.

With the familiar ice feeling suddenly returning you received images of him also outside except as a young boy. You could tell these were memories locked up and you didn't want to intrude. The images came to you without permission and suddenly they went blank. He wasn't blocking you out but you felt the burning sensation as before. Hot fingers wrapped around your heart and then into your brain. You were suddenly surrounded by just him. Your environment wasn't the ship any longer. It was you and him standing in front of each other staring silently. He wasn't wearing his mask and he had his armor on. You wore your white dress as if it was new. You both mirrored each other with confused looks and suddenly it was yanked away by the distant rumbling of turbulence.

You were suddenly out of that room. Both of you were staring at each other once more like before except you could now read his definite anger. The hole in his gloves which was caused by him flexing his fists before had become larger. You jolted forward, falling to the ship's floor ungracefully due to you being unable to brace yourself or hold onto anything with your hands. The hard metal of the cuffs cutting even more into your hands causing drops of blood to silently drip on the tile. Everyone stood as the latch opened. Kylo left first, then his knights. A stormtrooper yanked you up by your underarms and pushed you forward with no words. You assumed that meant forward so you followed everyone else. You decided now was the time to put up your barrier as strong as it could be.

"Lock her in a cell. Water and food allowed. Give her a spare uniform to wear. Treat her.. Gently." Kylo ordered someone nearby. He turned to stare at you. Through the mask, you could tell he was looking you up and down, leveling you up. There was a minute nod that was barely noticeable but you could tell he was staring at the tear across the gaps in your dress. You were suddenly flanked by 4 more officers guiding you to a cell. Kylo turned away and set off towards the bridge. "W-Wait-" You stammered. This wasn't what you thought. They wanted you because of what you knew. What happened to training you and becoming stronger? What good were you in a cell like a prisoner? They undid your clasps and replaced your cuffs with a new type; Ones that had a green glow and were only slightly more comfortable.

You were pushed forward unceremoniously and started your travel to the dungeons of doom (you had to make something fun happen out of this). You passed other species inside cells nearby. Some were human. Some were... something. They cooed at you and stuck their hands through slim bars to wave and made come hither movements. You would've silenced them but for some reason couldn't. You tried remembering other times this happened. On a planet you visited called Myrkr some creatures were able to form bubbles that repelled the force. Maybe your cuffs did the same to some extent.

You were stopped in front of a cell exactly like the rest of them. You were nudged forward and lights flickered on automatically. Your cuffs were removed and an officer popped through the rest of the guards and threw a uniform on the ground. You picked it up, noticing it was a pencil black skirt and a button-up shirt. It reminded you of those who were secretaries. You weren't given new shoes, though. You complained but no one responded and they just stared. You realized they were waiting for you to change. You were careful to not use the force to huff out commands. "Excuse me. Privacy? Turn around?" They didn't budge. With a sigh, you turned away and faced the wall. You brought your hands to the straps of your dress and slipped out of it, the material pooling at your feet.

Looking down at your undergarments you saw how much dirt covered your body. Scratches and thorns had wreaked havoc on your stomach and legs. You could only imagine what your face looked like. You pulled on the skirt, wiggling your hips to get into it. It was small and tight but came to your knees. You could barely walk in it. Next came the shirt, which you tucked into your skirts band. You left a couple of buttons on top open due to feeling constricted. The clothes were two sizes too small. You sighed and turned back around to the guards. You were sensing their anxiety. Men. They were all men. You rolled your eyes. "What now? Are you going to stop staring?" You were exasperated.

They awkwardly shuffled out the door. The last two to leave the room put water and some crackers on the floor and closed the door. You could hear locks close and you focused on what kind of material they were and if they were breakable. You couldn't reach out to them. They must've had the same materials as the cuffs. The entire room blocked off your senses. You couldn't sense the feelings of anyone or pick up on anyone when the doors closed.

You felt human with no force powers. It was kind of relieving being able to just be quiet in your head. You swung your free arms around, stretching them as you did a twirl around your cell. It had a private bathroom, with a sink and mirror. There was a bed, with a rough mattress and a scratchy wool blanket. You found no sharp objects. Interesting that they thought you were THAT scared of being here.

You waltzed into the bathroom with a flourish as if you were entering a room filled with your riches. You looked at yourself in the mirror and sighed grumpily. You took your hair out of the braids slowly, untangling them with your fingers and getting the rest of leaves out of the tiny strands. You were natural ginger. You had frightening green eyes that intimidated most people. You blinked at yourself realizing you had probably as many freckles as Kylo had. What had the others called him? Commander? You chuckled to yourself. You'll see yourself if he was as scary as the others treated him.

You knew he killed people. You were aware of acts he'd done across the galaxy. You didn't know details due to your indifference but it did surprise you knowing he didn't obliterate the planet you were on just because you inhabited it. You still didn't realize why anyone wasn't trying to kill you even now. What made you different from be- Ah. You knew now. They knew you were force sensitive but not to what extent. They saw you heal the man when under fire. Aha. Of course, they wanted to kill you off when they thought you could only lift rocks.

You finished brushing your braids out, leaving your hair frizzy and the curls bounced around your frame. You turned the faucet on and began washing your hair through the sink, slicking your hair back to become more manageable. At the end of it all, you looked highly presentable. By the clothing they gave you, you knew you would be seen by whoever soon. You sat yourself down on the bed and focused on your breathing. You meditated gently. Thinking of forests. Your journal of flowers and plants. You thought of grass underneath your bare feet. You thought of the refined crystals you saw and collected. You smiled remembering the warmth of the sun and then shuddered at the current temperature of the Finalizer. You were humming along to a tune you learned from some festivals you've attended.

*******

Eventually, it turned into days of this. You were deprived for you didn't know how long of contact with the outside world. You slept and woke up to a water bottle and crackers. You barely ate it anyways. The longer you were on the ship you felt weak. You felt disconnected from the world and the force. When you meditated and asked for advice from the green gremlin, none responded. You missed your flowers and plants. Why did you let them lead you here? You began to not care about the destiny of this Kylo guy. But when you would think of him... The feelings of attachment were there. You didn't know why. Images of his face which you barely even saw for a few minutes at most comforted you. 

Sometimes when you slept, you were back in that blackened room. Just you and him. No words were ever spoken. He always seemed confused or angry. You could only sense his feelings in your dreams. In even rarer times, you'd dream and he would be standing at the bridge of the ship, speaking to someone with orange hair. He would be wearing his mask and the robotic voice reverberated.

With all of this being in a dream state, you once saw him sitting up in his bed. He was shirtless, with scars littered across his chest. Small white lines indented. He had rippling abdominals, you studied for a moment how they tensed when he would turn just the slightest. He was an adonis. You thanked the green gremlin for allowing you this small view. He wore black (leather?) pants. His mid-calf boots were dumped on the floor. His helmet was off and his curls fell around his forehead. His brows were drawn together in concentration. He was on his datapad typing things and reading blueprints of who knows what. You were standing directly to the right of him, peeking over his shoulder at some of it but retaining nothing. He set his datapad down on the nightstand next to him and you dodged his arm even in your dream, worried that he would know you were spying. When you jumped away it put you in a position of staring right at his face. Your eyes studied him once more, this time looking at his lips as he mouthed silently a memo sent. Something compelled you. Who knows what. You leaned forward, your elbow leaning on his dream bed. 

You continued coming forward until your face was so close to his, a breath away. An ice grip wrapped around you once more and this time it comforted you. You stared at his lips intently, noticing how round they were. His bottom lip looked so..biteable. Wait. What?

You came to realize how close you were to him. You shrugged off the anxiety. Who cares? It's a dream. Might as well be a little selfish. You craved human touch like you never had before. You preferred to usually be alone. But as you were left alone and becoming weaker, you craved a connection of some sort. You wanted, no NEEDED, someone's warmth to cover you. 

You let yourself float forward and as his lips closed on the end of a sentence, you planted your own on top of his, laying one hand gently on his cheek, cupping your fingers into the hair behind his ears, tugging him into it. You swore you could feel the warmth of him and swore once more when you found your fingers spark green at contact. It was a dream but he recoiled for a moment, tearing himself from your grip. 

He looked in your direction wildly. He couldn't see you, you realized. He continued to flick his eyes around his room before he dragged his hands up his face, rubbing his eyes tiredly with a groan. When his hands were removed, he looked once more where you were. You tilted your head curiously at him. Wow, this is realistic, you thought. But when he once more looked in your direction, his face contorted in anger. In an instant, his lightsaber was in his hand and he was out of his bed, causing you to scramble up to a standing position. You put your hands up as he lifted it above you, and just as you felt the heat from the saber across your palms, you woke up.

You sat up gasping, your chest heaving weakly. Sweat was on your brow. You stood up and felt sick. You barely got to the toilet as you got sick. You wretched until your already empty stomach left you dry heaving. You went to splash water from the sink over your face and a huff of air left your lips as your hand clenched in pain. You looked down at your hands and saw a burn. A burn from a lightsaber.

You shook and pushed yourself away from the sink staring at the wound until it became more real. You were scared. You couldn't defend yourself from anything in your current state. Was this a new way of torture? Sinking into someone's dreams and killing them there? Suddenly you felt woozy, probably from not eating like you should for the past few days. You saw black and white dots, like static, covering your eyes, and a dull ring throughout your ears brought you down to the floor. Your heartbeat pounded as you tried to call out for help.

No one came as your eyesight slowly became nothing. The pumping of the blood throughout your body calms you only slightly as black overcame you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go! A kiss! I already want to drag it out and get into smutty things but I think I'll wait a couple of chapters. I have slow burn in the tags but.. maybe not. ;) Leave some comments and kudos! Love ya guys.


	3. Milla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet Snoke and the Firs Order's intentions gross you out. Kylo feels some typa way.   
> Hux is a human carrot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I desperately want someone to bounce ideas off of and to read after me. English isn't my first language so it's a bit rough out here.

You didn’t know how long you were unconscious. You knew you dreamt. Your dreams of your mother and father. Yeah, they dumped you when they found out you were force sensitive but it was only because the First Order was searching. They didn’t want to die. Fair deal...   
  
You laughed through fields and oceans. You were picked up and spun and you remember fishing for Burra. You felt snow and hot sunny days. You were relaxed and finally feeling normal. You kept having to remind yourself you hated people and should have been enjoying your time on the Finalizer. You couldn’t understand why you felt so weakened and why even in your dreams you could feel your brain do somersaults.   
  
A man’s voice was the thing you woke up to. He was speaking to a woman near your side. You slowly opened up your eyes, the fluorescent lights making you want to return to being comatose. They weren’t watching you or noticing you observe them. Their words were gibberish to you and the man had weird hair. You twitched your toes, moving each one slowly. You tense your muscles to test that you could move them in the slightest, the lactic acid buildup rushing to your limbs.   
  
What gave you away was the hard gasp of pain when you tried moving your fingers and you could feel your palm stretch uncomfortably against the bandaging that was there. The burn was still radiating warmth. You remembered the dream that was..Real? The hum of a lightsaber that caused you to go into a deep sleep, to begin with terrified you and your heart rate monitors alarmed the pair speaking.   
  
The woman who was speaking turned away from Carrot Top, the man with weird hair (named with affection). You recognized his face from Kylo’s dreams. The nurse was hushing you and putting her hands on your shoulders while he stared down at you emotionless, shoulders pushed back professionally. You gently nudged the nurse away from you and took a couple of deep breaths by yourself. You cleared your throat and your eye twitched in pain. Your body felt tingly as your body woke up.  
  
“How long was I...?” You managed to croak out and Carrot nodded to the woman. She walked out hurriedly. Carrot top was silent as he looked at you as if sizing you up.  
“So.. you gonna talk first or am I gonna talk first?” You asked quizzingly.   
Carrot Top ended up being the one to speak to you.   
“Two weeks. The supreme leader is.. Anxious to meet you.”   
“Who the fuck is a Supreme leader?” You deadpanned.   
  
You both stared at each other without moving for what you assumed was an hour.   
“Supreme leader is the supreme leader. He’ll meet you now. Let the nurses know if you need help.” Carrot said and turned to leave before even finishing his sentence.   
“Oki Doki artichoki, Carrot.” You sing songed and he froze for a millisecond before exiting the room. You decided you liked him. He at minimum responded to you when you spoke and seemed not to have mood swings. He also seemed to have a decimal of humanity (assumed because he seemed worried at the end there).   
  
You took out your IV, pressing quickly on the dot of blood in its wake. The nurse came back with clothes and a small cup of water, offering to help you along but you refused. You chugged the water and tossed it in the trash. You noticed wearily you weren’t able to connect as well with the force and still felt… tired. Your body was externally fine. Internally, it was a mess.   
  
You decided not to be annoyed at the fact that you were being treated kinda shitty for a coma patient and looked over at the clothes given to you. They weren’t the uniform you had before.  
  
It was a LONG dress. You cringed at how fancy it looked. Expensive. The complete bottom of it was black, with slits, splitting the front of the dress into three thick pieces that reached up to your hips. It was connected at the navel to a lace bustier. It was all black and had strategically placed flowers and swirls around your breast area. Why the fuck were you going to prom to see some president dude? They even had some plain strappy metallic heels and underwear. No bra and Heels. To a coma patient. Okay, assholes.   
  
You swung your feet off the bed and kicked them back and forth for a couple of minutes before standing up completely. You wobbled but you were more stable than when you were in the cell. You untied your hospital gown and let it fall. You began by slipping on the underwear, supporting yourself on the bed. The dress was easy enough to slip on. It fit perfectly and flowed in all the right places you noticed, checking yourself out in the reflection of the door. It hugged your waist and swished when you moved. You slid on the top completely and were kinda sketched out that they had your exact bra measurements. The flowers covered your bare chest and it had lace halter straps which you tied around your neck.  
  
You had issues with the heels due to personal reasons but you stepped into them anyways. You glanced in your direction once more, reaching up to run fingers through your hair and realizing someone must’ve taken care of it while you were asleep. It lacked any type of frizziness. It cascaded in waves down to your waist once more instead of looking like a bird's nest. You took a shaky breath and then steadied yourself. You were a bad bitch, you reminded yourself.   
  
You slid open the doors with a flourish with only a small trip as the dress caught. Stormtroopers were outside the door and you clapped your hands.   
“Take me to your leader!” You said and you were met with blank looks.   
Their masks looked you up and down and then at each other. One of them radioed to someone named Hux that you were ready. You stood awkwardly until Carrot once again graced your presence. You smiled widely at him, comparing your hair to his. Nah. His was orange, not red. But you learned his name! He looked stressed and his lips were pressed tightly together. His face relaxed only slightly looking at you, assessing you just as the ‘troopers did. He swallowed thickly and turned away with a motion of his hand over his shoulder telling you to follow.  
  
You followed him through a short maze of halls, picking up your gait slightly, getting used to the heels. You sashayed your hips slightly to give off fake confidence. Fake it till you make it. You felt like you’ve already met this president guy, probably through Kylo’s head. You made an internal bet.   
  
You slipped into an elevator, and you stood awkwardly close to each other. The stormtroopers were left at the floor below and the only noise was your tapping foot. Hux was just wearing a simple uniform and you noticed his First Order pin. Only a general. He must still be considered higher up. You both kind of matched exactly like a prom couple. Cute.  
  
You were biting at your nails until The elevator beeped and you were met with a long hallway with a door at the end. Your mind flashed to an image of the afterlife and you didn’t want to go to the light. You made a little “eep” noise and Hux smirked. He nudged you with his elbow and kept it out for you to hold. You tentatively wrapped your arm around his for support. You wondered why he was suddenly being nice. Maybe having arm candy was his thing. You walked the hallway until you reached the door. Hux reached out to press a button to open it but the door opened by itself.   
  
You couldn't help but quickly flash an expression of “Oh ew.” Both to the fact that Kylo was also in the room, reminding you of the wound on your hand, and then there was this giant projection of this weird half-formed alien thing on a throne. Like, HUGE. You satisfied yourself with knowing that this is another from Kylo’s head. Sidenote, you couldn’t tap into Kylo’s mind even slightly. You picked up on some of Hux’s emotions but you couldn’t dive deeper than noticing he was inwardly snickering. Your eyes flashed to Kylo who’s a face made your fingernails slightly dig into Hux’s arm.   
  
He was staring right at you, mask off. His eyes were angry and dark. Deep brown eyes never looked so intimidating to you. They were drilling holes into you. You noticed he wasn’t checking you out in your outfit at all and instead focused on the bandage on your hand. For a second you thought you saw regret on his features. That was when his eyes finally clicked at looking at how you were dressed and you took your own time to check him out. He was wearing a pleated shirt with a belt. You noticed the leather pants and boots. His cape was nowhere to be seen. You slowly blinked at him and smiled quietly at him, still terrified of him slashing you with the lightsaber at his side. He watched your lips and his jaw tightened and he returned to face the President. You and Hux stepped forward, his arm unraveling from yours slowly.   
  
“Ah. Finally, you’re here. I was already explaining to Ren everything going on with you… I realized we’ve never grabbed a name from you.”   
You listened to the president speak and you studied him, watching the projection flicker sometimes.  
You didn’t have a name that you permanently kept. You had multiple names loosely based on plants. You last named yourself Spice but realized quickly that wasn’t a good thing to base yourself off of. You thought of flowers you saw certain generals wear or owners of shops and companies. You knew purple was the color of royalty way back when and a certain flower came to mind.   
“Milla, Sir. You may call me Milla. I don’t mean to be rude here and all but I’d like to have it be explained to me why I’m a prisoner.” You spoke slowly and clearly. Might as well speak to him like a friend.   
Kylo and Hux tensed and Hux began by stuttering out, “S-Supreme leader. She was a flight risk. She’s evaded us for years. We had to-”  
  
The Supreme leader suddenly glared at Hux. Suddenly Hux was coughing and his hands gripped his throat as the Supreme leader started to force choke him. You waved your arms quickly.  
“I wasn’t treated terribly, uh... Supreme leader. I was just wondering what uh... Hux explained right now.” You nervously laughed and suddenly Hux was let go. He dropped to his knees and began gasping as he dragged out breaths. The Supreme leader studied you.  
You didn’t care to keep eye contact with him as you lowered yourself to the ground to place your hands on Hux’s chest, focusing your breath and calming emotions towards him. You adjusted yourself back to standing when Hux was able to breathe clearly.   
  
“For your next question... Milla. I was explaining to Ren-” He motioned at Kylo. “That what you were both experiencing was something that is called a force connection. I understand it’s not exactly pleasant. It’s unknown completely the extent of how far it goes, and we, The First Order, are interested in exercising the power between it. I also am interested in your connection to the force. It’s not accredited to the light or dark side. It’s intriguing.”  
  
You held back saying out loud that it was more than that and wanted to bring up your wound but you didn’t. You pushed back that you had known of him since you were young, dreaming of his face. You absorbed his information and at the mention of the bond, you made an internal barf noise. You realized you couldn’t hide that particular thought and you watched Supreme leader... Laugh?   
  
“As soon as you are situated and fully healed, I want you to train with Ren, together. I want you to become close. Bonds as such strengthen the dark side, fueled by passion and fear of loss. You both may be uncomfortable.” He turned to Kylo. “This is important for your training. That is all.”  
  
You had more questions and wanted to say “I object!” before the projection ended and you huffed. Hux (who was standing again) brought up walking you to your quarters, which perked you up knowing you'd have your room, but you declined his help. You were peeved and didn’t want any kind of touch, opposite of how you felt in your cell which is what caused you to be slashed at. Hux handed you a small datapad, pointing to a diagram of the ship and then zoomed in to where your room was. You nodded along and noticed that your room was directly parallel to Kylo’s. Yuck.   
  
Speaking of Kylo, he was already out the door silently and you quickly said your goodbyes and thanked him for borrowing his arm. Your heels clacked as you followed behind Kylo. all you wanted was to go to your new room and ignore all of this. You wanted to go outside and hoped the training would be an excuse to do so. You got into the elevator after he had, allowing some time to pass so that you wouldn’t be stalking him. The elevator door opened and you watched as he turned a corner, always following a minute behind. You checked the datapad just to confirm he was indeed going to his room. He turned more corners and you noted that this ship was a maze. Finally, you went down a hallway, with stormtroopers everywhere. Kylo passed them silently with a nod and you waited once more, passing by as well the same way. Your feet hurt so much and you couldn’t wait to just sit down. At the end of this hallway were two doors. He was putting in a code to his room. He didn’t use the force for this which unsettled you. He’d be right there as you set up your lock with a passcode.  
  
As soon as you finished setting up your code, you sighed and stepped in as the door slid open. The door shut right behind you and you glanced around your room. It was all white. Everything was smooth and shiny and open like a studio. Next to your bed was a window that covered almost the entire wall. It had blinds but they were pulled up, revealing the stars and galaxies outside. You walked forward, slipping off your heels. You stepped in the front of the window and placed your hands on it, feeling the cold air of space chill you through the glass. You moved those fingertips to the back of your neck, untying the halter of your dress when they froze. You heard the door open and click close just as quickly.   
  
Before you could fully turn around, your body was shoved against the glass, your bare chest pressed tightly against it. Your wrists were bound by the force to your sides. You tried to wiggle free but you were still weakened. You couldn’t push the intruder's force away with your own.  
  
“I can read you and you can’t read me. I sense how hard you’re trying. You are nothing without the force.” He laughed huskily in your hair. You immediately knew it was Kylo and your heart raced. His voice snuck its tendrils into your being. You pushed down the heat in your belly that was caused by him degrading you. When did that kink start?  
  
He huffed in your ear, the warmth of his breath brushing on your skin.   
  
“You think you can get away like that. Cute.” He pushed back the hair from your face, holding it there as he continued. “I saw what you trying to do with Hux. After assaulting me and getting hurt by it, you have enough confidence to try to go after another man as soon as you woke up. Letting him parade you around. What a fucking slut. Do you think he can protect you? You think he’s nice.” The last couple of sentences were hissed.   
  
At being called a slut, a traitorous whimper left your lips, and this time you didn’t squirm, giving up. You wanted to put more of a fight up but with the whole force thing, you couldn’t. You realized it was futile and decided to let him say his piece without bothering. If he was going to slash you again, it’d be a self-correction error. In the next life, you won’t board ships with men who appear in your dreams.   
  
His hand dragged down from your hair to your shoulder, his calloused hand dragging over your shoulder and tickling your collarbone. If they moved just inches further, he’d be touching your breasts. You arched your back against him. “Your mind is so easy to look through. I know everything.”  
  
You were annoyed with yourself at how only his voice made you clench your thighs together. His hand handling you made you shiver. He was tickling you, running his hand up and down from your collar bone to your waist, letting it graze the side of your breast every time. He inched closer to your nipples each time. Your nipples hardened more and more each time and you fought back more whimpers. If this was the way he was going to treat you before you died then this was fine.   
  
You froze, however, when his fingers finally fully brushed over them. His hands enveloped them completely. He kneaded them between his palms but kept his fingertips away from pinching your nipples. You swallowed thickly and bit your lip. You wanted to moan and give in. Being unable to read his mind was the worst. You made sure not to move. You didn’t want to activate any episode and have him stop or hurt you like before.   
  
You felt his lips on the back of your shoulder, kissing across the back of your neck slowly. You gasped against him. You couldn’t help it. You wiggled once more and this time your ass was pressed directly against his groin. You could feel how hard he was through his clothes. You never experienced something like this and he was driving you wild. You wanted him to go further. His fingers finally moved to your nipples, pinching them painfully. This was when you couldn’t hold back. You moaned, the noise filling the quiet room and you froze.   
  
“Oh? Finally giving in?” He laughed. You suddenly go annoyed. You weren’t giving in at all. He was just as into it. He was just hiding it. Alright then. “Yes, Ren. Please make me submit to you.” You moaned again and the window fogged. He froze completely, his fingertips ceasing. With a loud grunt, he flipped you around, this time pressing you to the window by placing his leg between yours. You rolled your hips against his knee with a teasing look before, with courage you never knew you had, you reached between the two of you and felt his erection through his pants. You massaged him through the fabric, teasingly slow. His head rolled back, his arms braced against the glass. Your head was trapped and was forced to look forward. You whispered, “Oh? Finally giving in?” You mimicked.   
  
He suddenly pushed against the glass and away from you. His chest was heaving and his eyes terrified you. He was livid. You didn’t have any weapon and it was the same look he gave you as before in your past dream. His eyes glazed over with lust for a moment before returning to a look that was like the one he gave you in the forest. He seemed human. Your heart rate calmed. You shifted nervously, reaching down to lift your top, holding it up with your forearm. He glanced down at your action and stepped back as if he wasn’t aware of what was happening moments ago.   
  
Without a word at all, he recoiled completely. He left so quickly that you wondered if this was an entirely new dream. You were left frozen, staring at the door. You flopped onto the bed sitting up. Your dress fell once again and you quickly shimmied out of it as if it was burning you. You ran a hand through your hair and your brain reeled. You glanced at your reflection in the window and could see a singular mark on your shoulder. Your eyebrows pressed together in confusion as you reached to touch it, flinching in the process. He had bitten you and you never knew. Your thighs clenched and you let out a loud, annoyed, groan. You relaxed onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. You once again saw your reflection in it. You stared at yourself as if expecting to morph at any moment. What more weird things will happen? What can be taken? You missed your little gremlin friend and finally, your eyes pressed close, tears filling them. You begged for the silent voices to give you advice. You wanted to go back to the forest before ever meeting Kylo Ren. You cried loudly, quietly, silently until sleep took you.


	4. Loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day of training with Kylo. Hopefully, you're able to push down thoughts of last night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still looking for someone to help me bounce ideas off of. Comment ideas or scenarios you want to see play out. Do I need a chill out chapter soon? Do you think it's smut time next chapter? I think I'm leaning towards both. Not sure which is gonna come first.

You woke the next morning to the beeping coming from your datapad. You looked over at the reminder popping up that it was breakfast time. You read over the itinerary and saw you were scheduled to go to training right after a morning meeting with Hux. You rubbed your eyes and got the sleep out of your eyes. You laid in the bed staring at the ceiling as the datapad kept beeping. Finally, you swung your legs off the bed. You told the datapad you were up and it shut up. You went to one of the dressers expecting normal clothing to fill them like normal jeans or even your white dress. You liked that dress.   
  
Instead, the clothing inside was all black and all the same. You pulled out a top that was a turtleneck. The sleeves felt hardened and had points sticking slightly out at the sleeves. Okay.. kinda ew. With a start, you remembered the bite mark on the side of your neck and suddenly thought that turtlenecks were very attractive. You pushed away memories of last night. You let the top sit on top of the dresser and moved on to the next drawer looking at pants. All the same type as well. You were expected to wear the same thing over and over. The bottoms were all black and tight. They were leather-like Kylo’s and you realized that they were giving you the female equivalent as his clothing. You pushed back memories of last night once again with a shudder. It was weird enough that you had to train with him after all of that but to be a carbon copy? You didn’t know how you exactly felt about that.  
  
You pulled on the jeans with a bunch of wiggling involved. The leather stuck to you uncomfortably. You picked up the turtleneck and rubbed the material between your fingers. It was soft and probably made with some sort of armor-like secret material. You hoped for it just in case Kylo went on a rage against you. You pulled it over your head and tucked the bottom into your jeans. You couldn’t deny you looked pretty intimidating. Usually, you stuck with brighter colors or neutrals. White and peachy colors were your favorite. You looked around for shoes and where they could be hidden until you noticed panels on the far side of your room. You walked over and made a wave of your hand expecting the force to slide it open for you.   
  
When it didn’t work you startled. This has never happened to you. You thought the force would come back overnight but maybe it was all because of the cuffs you were originally put in when coming onto the ship. Must’ve been pretty powerful. You instead pulled open the panels and they slid open easily as if automated. Inside you saw thigh-high boots and arm bracers. You also peaked at open fingered gloves. The final touch was a scarf and a belt. You appreciated quietly how organized it all was. You pulled the scarf over your shoulders. It was long enough to criss-cross at your waist. You put the belt around your waist, tucking the end of the scarf in. You slid the arm accessories both on and when getting to your boots you peaked yourself in a mirror that was attached to the door. You radiated energy you never felt before. You now kinda understood why Kylo was so scary. You looked just as domineering. You ran your hands over your ribs and waist, getting rid of some of the wrinkles.   
  
Turning back and forth in the mirror a couple of times admiring yourself, a knock at the door came and you hurried over to open it. A droid greeted you with a tray of fruit. You stared blankly at it before looking up at the droid, expecting more.   
“Doctors that treated you at the med bay wanted to start you off on small meals until you can fully begin training.” The droid beep booped at you in its language. You groaned as you took the tray and closed your door rudely in the droid's face. You were expecting some kind of royal treatment and so far this whole “save ren, you will” bullshit got you nowhere. You were locked up, lost your connection to the force, and felt sick. You were stuck with Carrot top which was refreshing. You decided he was going to be your first friend despite Kylo being weird about it. Maybe he had a thing against non-force users. If it was such a problem he’d just kill you. No big deal. You swallowed.   
  
You set the tray down on the table and ate a few slices of whatever citrus-y thing was there. It made you feel a little bit more stable when walking and you appreciated it. It did make you nauseous a bit but it was controllable. You appreciated the Doctor’s suddenly knowing that eating more than this would probably have you feeling ickier than now.  
  
You waited for Hux to knock at your door eventually and you sat down on top of the table staring expectantly at the door. You willed things randomly to respond to you. You reached your hand at the door multiple times, screaming in your head for it to just open already. Eventually, the knock came and you ran to the door, pulling it open eagerly.   
  
Hux greeted you with a surprised look, eyeing your new outfit and swallowing thickly. “I’m surprised you woke up on time. Let’s get going.” He clipped at you. He turned to leave and you followed after, turning to your door and locking it quickly with the code from yesterday. Finally, you found yourself walking beside him with the heel of your boots clicking along the way.   
  
He spoke quickly of meeting rooms and the mess hall. You eyed the cafeteria which was full of stormtroopers. Some looked at you curiously and then quickly went back to eating sludge looking food. They were afraid of you and that made you feel uneasy. If you scared any of them enough right now and they decided to shoot you down, the force wouldn’t protect you.   
  
“Why does Kylo not like you? You seem nice.” You interrupted him as he was pointing at ships within the bridge. He stopped speaking and his lips twitched.   
“I’m not nice. I’m just… respectful... Compared to Ren..” When mentioning him, he shook his head slightly, glancing at the floor.   
“Well, I think you're nice. I want to know you.” You responded simply and as a fact. You swung your hands back and forth until clasping them behind your back and swaying on your heels.  
“Are there any recreational places to go?” you asked him, bored of the ship. This was just a huge hunk of boring metal. There had to be somewhere where people went to unwind.  
  
Hux cleared his throat and you swore his face slightly flushed at you mentioning the friend part of your speech. “There are gyms. Snoke wanted you to visit the med bay and have you experimenting on your healing abilities. He hopes that you can become an asset there instead of on the field as of right now. Eventually, he will be expecting you to assist in fighting against the resistance.” He responded calmly. He sounded like a normal person conversing instead of a General and you appreciated it. You inwardly cringed at the only thing to do here was work out and train. You especially didn’t appreciate having to be some doctor and constantly healing Ren’s boo boo’s. You nodded at him to continue his walkthrough.   
  
This time around he spoke slowly and turned to you when he spoke, making sure you absorbed some locations of rooms. You took note of where Hux’s office was and the common area where main meetings would be held. In one room, it looked like an Academy classroom with a huge projection set in the middle. There were podiums with chairs behind them set in the very front. You hoped you would never have to speak in front of the hundred other seats covering the area.   
  
Eventually, he reached a room that was once again all black. The lights inside were dim but you noticed it was instead lit by crystals upon crystals lining shelves. There weren’t many of them but you could still sense their power.  
“Last but not least. This will be where you forge your first saber. It is our Kyber room.” Hux sighed almost wistfully. You looked at him from the corner of your eyes but walked forward, reaching out to them but quickly pulling away, remembering that they could burn off your hand. For a moment as you did so, you were able to feel the force. It felt like a hug wrapping around you and you sighed. You knew you would leave the room and be unable to do anything once more, but the familiar feeling of the small voices around you and the waves of emotion coming from the ship itself was intense.   
  
You stepped away reluctantly and turned to him. You knew you looked sad as you looked at Hux and he returned the look. “You still can’t feel it, can you?” He whispered. You nodded and sighed once more, going to the door and walking past him in the process. “You know.. I don’t think you’re weak for that. Snoke has hopes for you, therefore the First Order is relying on you for a reason.” He spoke intimately at first and then switched back to general mode.  
  
You rolled your eyes and opened the door and went to the hallway. You held back tears of frustration. You were about to throw yourself off the ship completely. You didn’t realize how much of the Gremlin you missed. You missed your trees and flowers and herbs and more. Kylo ripped that from you by appearing in your life. You became unbelievably angry with yourself for deciding to join him. You facepalmed and breathed heavily. You were interrupted by your datapad blinking rapidly, even flashing to you. It announced it was time for training with Kylo and you glanced over your shoulder at Hux who nodded. “I’ll walk you there until you figure it out yourself.” He heeded. You nodded silently, deciding not to talk more while being so annoyed. You fiddled, however, with your fingers.   
  
You knew Kylo could hear your thoughts still while you couldn’t yet. You purposefully made all of your angry thoughts pushed to the top of your head. You pointedly focused on anger. You wanted to go outside at a minimum. Why train in some stupid room when you could get on-hand experience in places you’d be battling at? You made sure, though, to hide thoughts of last night. You didn’t want him to know how remembering him touching you made your thighs clench. Hell, you were hiding that from yourself anyways. You currently wanted this dude dead. You imagined him burning your forest to the ground to keep up the angry emotions.   
  
You finally reached a door that was locked with a passcode. Hux keyed in the code and the doors swung open. You turned to smile nervously at Hux before entering. “Wish me luck, Hux.” You called him that beside Carrot you realized. You brushed your hand over his shoulder as you stepped inside. The doors slid closed quickly and you heard a click as the lock took action. You wanted to see his face at you touching him, snickering at how uptight he was. You remembered how he walked you to Snoke so confidently in front of Kylo. He had balls, you mused.   
  
“Still thinking of him?” You heard from a bench in the corner of the wide room. You instantly wanted to slap yourself but reflexively went to your shoulder, gripping the bite mark he left.   
“Good Morning, Ren.” You said with fake confidence. You were going to act as if he was a business partner. His helmet was on so his voice sounded gross and droid like.   
“You will call me Commander or Master. I know you’re weak. You’re currently not ranked as my level. I see you’re still associating closely with Hux.” You heard the insult slash threat on his tongue as he spoke and you rolled your eyes and rolled your shoulders in response, straightening up. “I’m unsure of what exactly we are training with today but I can assure you even without the force, I would be considered a threat. I’ve been dodging you guys for years, remember?”  
  
He breathed in thickly. “You’re annoyed. You’re being so loud. Why is that?”  
“I can’t control that, douchebag.” The words slipped out your lips without a filter. You flinched and awaited the sound of his saber. He stared at you. You weren’t able to see how you affected him. In a quick moment, his saber did ignite. He stalked towards you.   
You placed one foot behind yourself, turning to your left side in a defensive stance. You squint your eyes at him.   
“Lesson one.” He stated before lunging towards you with a swipe of his saber, aiming for your lower abdomen. In a split second, you bent backward lithely. You bent so far back that both your hands hit the mat. You used the leverage of that to do a little backward flip.   
“I told you. I’m trained for this. All by myself. We should be training with the force itself. Snoke wanted me to be used defensively, not offensively.” You pointed out. You turned to both sides, cracking your back quickly.”   
“Defense is lesson one. It’s on the itinerary.” He grated out once more robotically. You could tell he was annoyed with your acrobatics. He lunged once more with a quick stride. He was so tall that with one step forward his figure was suddenly looming over you like in your very first dream of him. You flinched and almost froze up but you used a quick draw of breath to stop drop and roll to the side. The heat of his saber singed some of your shoulder pads. The fabric that covered the bite mark was suddenly bare. You reached to cover it with a hiss. Burn wound on top of the bite wound. Not the weirdest injury to happen.   
  
Kylo, however, DID freeze completely. His helmet eyes were glued to the wound. Instantly you felt his mind tendrils drill into your head. You couldn’t dodge it as he pulled through your thoughts and memories like a file cabinet until he reached last night. You were outside of your body standing next to him as you both watched as you touched each other. You blanched at watching him touch your breasts. You whispered under your breath, “Stop it.”   
The memory played instead in slow motion. You felt his confusion through the mind link. What was so confusing about touching you like this? You watched and felt his arousal through it. You felt your own confusion with his mood swings. You shut your eyes ignoring the scene.  
  
“Stop it!” You finally screamed, pushing him out of your mind as strong as you could. You knew you had no force connection left but you pushed with your entire being. Your head split and black covered your vision but you still pushed. You were screaming in your mind space but you knew you were most likely just looking zoned out in reality. Eventually, finally, The connection was lost but it was due to him suddenly letting you go with a shove mentally. You came back to life panting. You noticed your angry tears form before returning. You immediately reeled at him.  
  
“Honestly? You know what. There is absolutely no reason for me to be dealing with your shit. Last night was confusing as well for me. I don’t want to relive that. For someone who can read minds, you really are just stupid. You act so strong as shit yet you were begging me to come here, to begin with. You made me come here. You probably knew I would be weak here. I want to fucking go home. I don’t want to be around you. I don’t understand your fucking mood swings. You need to fix yourself. I’m not doing it for you.” You shot up and basically ran from the room.   
  
With a flurry of your hands you hit all the buttons you noticed Hux put in in the beginning and when the doors flung open you ran. Your heels made your legs burn. You ran through the mess hall and hallways. Past meeting rooms and med bays. You ignored the stares and looks that troopers gave. You ran until you slipped quickly inside one of the meeting rooms that was hidden in another hallway.  
  
You slammed the door and slid down it. You finally let your tears fall. You sobbed thinking of homes that you had. You missed drawing in your journal and healing your flowers. You screamed until your throat became raw. You didn’t care who overheard you. You didn’t care if Kylo came into your dreams and ended you. You never realized how much the connection affected you. You missed the gremlin and calm voices. You missed the voices that let your sparks erupt from your fingertips. You missed the feeling of dirt under your feet. You missed the swish of your dresses when you sprinted across stretches of fields and flowers. Your shoulders shook and sagged forward.   
  
Eventually, you dragged yourself out of the room. Your eyes were empty and you felt as if you were floating through the halls. You reached your room. You didn’t nod to the troopers who guarded the hallway. You put in the passcode to your room. You slid inside. You stood still at the doorway. Your eyes were downcast.   
“How am I supposed to do this?” You whispered into the void. “How do I get you back?” You tried speaking to the Gremlin. You raised your eyes forward. You wiped your tears with the back of your hand and you began walking to your bed. Something caught your eye. You blinked a couple of times, still sniffling. You rubbed your eyes once more, looking clearly at the objects on your bed.   
  
Your satchel laid closed on the bed. Not a thing out of place as you dug through the contents quickly. You yanked out your journal and flipped through the pages quickly. You stared at the last page you drew in and almost tore again as you looked at the sketch of the white flower. Your fingers dragged across the paper, feeling the indents of the charcoal that pressed the drawing in to begin with. You set the journal down and glanced to the left to it and noticed your dress. Just as dirty and unclean. It was no longer white, covered in dirt. You stood up quickly to go to the bathroom sink to hand wash it, not trusting a droid with your precious cargo. A note fell from the folds though, and you looked down as you read typed out letters on a piece of paper.   
  
“You’re so loud.” it read. 


	5. Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You definitely didn't think this would be how you're repaying Kylo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight TW! in this for blood. I didn't vividly describe it.

When you read the note, your mind went into a tailspin. You wanted to rage at Kylo and tear out the room like a hurricane and kick down his door. You wanted to hit him. You wanted to repeat everything you said yesterday and more. But then again... Could Hux have overheard you crying? You doubt it but you used that thought to ease some of your anger. Kylo could beat the shit out of you right now, and pissing him off and dying wasn’t in your plans. 

You instead went to scrub the hell out of your dress, not able to totally clean it off. Some stains were left on it but that wasn’t the point. You set it folded up as neatly as possible on top of your dresser as if setting up an altar. You placed your journal on top of it and made a mental note to beg Hux to let you outside. That would make you feel ten times better instead of being stuck with a complete and total bitch of a “master”. You sneered in your head. 

So, for the next couple of days, you ignored the insistent beeping that your datapad did when it was time to train with Kylo. You hung out with Hux in the mornings, going to meetings that weren’t necessary, but it gave you something to pay attention to. You listened as Hux spoke curtly of missions against the resistance. He brought you up a couple of times and you would straighten your back and nod to those in the rooms. Kylo was supposed to attend these meetings but he never did. Hux said it was usual for him. 

When there weren’t meetings, you would lay in your bed cross-legged meditating. You focused the most you could on the force but it was as if it was pulling away from you. Every time you scratched the surface of it, it was taken away, teasing you cruelly. You’d give it up after filling your hours with it and then fill your sorrows with the many delicacies of the First Order. You were limited to small meals but they were still delicious. They gave you cake on the fourth day of rebelling. 

Waking up on the fifth day, you decided on trying to convince Hux to let you on a mission. You immediately went to the med bay and began learning overtop of nurses. You even let the nurse that took care of you in your coma teach you better ways of sewing up wounds. You learned antibiotics that came from the plants you would grow. You knew the fungi that you sometimes grew were helpful with that kinda stuff but you didn’t know how to cultivate it for those purposes. They taught you basic things on minor and routine checkups. You set bones which was satisfying. The person whose bones would need to be rebroken, of course, found it the opposite. 

The next few days continued with you ignoring Kylo’s training. The beeping stopped reminding you. Snoke probably found out about your medical training and just let it happen. You weren’t supposed to be fully training with Kylo anyway unless it was exercising the force bond, which you desperately wanted to ignore. You buried yourself in patients. Originally helping people only occurred when you needed money on the run, but you soon realized it gave you deep satisfaction. You formed bonds with the nurses and doctors. One nurse snuck you snacks that you weren’t allowed yet and you decided you made one more friend other than Hux. 

Week two of ignoring Kylo was going surprisingly well. You were becoming well acclimated to the business of the med bay. Hux (Who you learned was actually Armitage) Started genuinely speaking to you with your name. Milla was still such a weird thing to respond to but it made you feel safe for some reason. He was one of the only people besides Snoke that could protect you against Kylo’s wrath if he really wanted. He would compliment how quick you were learning. You were allowed to scrub in on a robotics surgery. A general's limb was completely off and replaced with a robotic one. You watched fascinated as the nerves were corrected and skin grafts were painted overtop. Somewhere along the line, when patients came into your care that were scared, you began holding their hand gently before the anesthesia went into effect. It was probably the closest you’d ever get to being worried about someone in your entire life. 

One morning you woke, ready to start your day. You opened your eyes and everything was blurry. You rubbed at them to wake them up but they wouldn’t focus. You blinked a couple of times and ignored it. You let out a puff of air and rolled onto your side, burying your head into your pillow. Eventually, you would have to meet with Kylo again. This lull of training would have to end. Eventually, you would have to go into surgery and run the procedure yourself. One day, you will see blood on the battlefield and not be able to save everyone. You only knew how to transfer wounds. Being unable to connect to the force disallowed you to pursue it further. You became dissuaded with your abilities and shivered at the thought of becoming useless and either a) Be killed by Kylo or b) Be killed by Kylo. 

A knock jarred you and your head perked up. A harder knock furthered and you shot up out your bed, hurrying to your drawers and pulling on spare scrubs. The knock became louder and more urgent until eventually, the door opened up in itself. 

You barely wiggled into your pants when Hux came in. He didn’t blink at your state even when you blanched. He looked concerned and scared, even. “They need you immediately in med bay four. There’s been a mission with casualties.” You began hopping on one foot as you grabbed some slip ons. Hux wasn’t able to keep up as you ran ahead of him. You bolted, almost sliding across the floor at points as you ran. You weren’t even close to med bay four when you started seeing other nurses and doctors running to their stations. Your heart beat loudly in your ears. You wanted to help people. It irritated you to no end to becoming even remotely attached to your job. But you didn’t want to hold any hands of people dying today. You knew your hair looked a mess and not slicked back. As you ran into the bay, you managed to reach behind you and tie your hair into a tight bun with only two strand hairs falling over your face. You slammed open the doors to the hospital panting. Nurses were running between rooms desperately. Doctors were on com-links screaming into them asking for more supplies or medications. Your eyes flashed between everything going around. Your heartbeat pounded in your ears. You could feel the anxiety of everyone else reverberating with every breath you took. 

You didn’t bother looking at charts before going to a room that looked like it needed more people. You began to dash into a room that looked empty but you were grabbed by the arm and yanked by an all-black figure. You jarred staring up at them, only noticing they were helmeted. You froze and tried to yank your arm free. “I don’t have time for your bullshit, Kylo. Nice outfit.” You attempted to once again break free but the hold tightened. You did a once over of who was holding it and realized it wasn’t Kylo. He was equally scary and you recognized him as one of the men on the ship you came here on. He didn’t have a lightsaber but instead held something of an ax/machete looking thing. You didn’t have time to even say sorry before whoever it was, without words dragged you into a room completely in the corner of the bay. You stared behind you as you were dragged, noticing that no one was nearing this room. 

When the doors opened and you were thrown inside, your first sight was blood. Everywhere. The floors were covered in dark, almost black puddles of it. The smell made you nauseous. You backed away from it all. You felt yourself begin to hyperventilate. You never saw something this grotesque. There were bits of skin? Intestines? Brains? You didn’t want to identify what you saw spread on the walls. You did see doctors surrounding the patient. His entire body was uncovered, an apron covered his lower half but his abdomen was completely open. Literally. His stomach was being worked on right in front of you by the surgical team. You ignored the knight who brought you there. You rushed to the sides of the doctors. They asked for tools and you handed them to them. Your eyes teared up on their own. It was if they were working on a cadaver. There was no breathing coming from the patient’s chest but you knew it was probably due to them trying to slow his heart so it would slow the bleeding. You haven’t looked at who the patient was until you saw an empty helmet on a chair in the corner. You blinked a few times. Focused a bit more as much as you could, your eyes were still blurry. 

The details of the helmet became familiar and you nearly vomited. You heaved and looked away. You didn’t want to look at his eyes. You spent all this time being angry. When you did look at him, you almost regretted it. Kylo’s eyes were open and staring lifelessly. He had a huge gash on his face, covering his right eye. You were surprised his eye was even still intact. You swallowed thickly. You licked your chapped lips and you took a step upwards, standing next to his head at the table. Suddenly, the sounds of machines and the murmurs of doctors became silent. You didn’t know what came over you before you reached your hand up and to his brow. You tucked his hair back, blood instantly covering your fingers. You blinked once more and bit your lip. You leaned on your tip-toes to look into his eyes directly. They were frozen over as if glazed. “I know you hate me. I know I’m weak. But I’m learning here.” You whispered. You moved the hand that touched his brow to his own.

Blood mixed with blood at the contact. You were both covered in it. You closed your hand around his, your hand so small that you couldn’t wrap it around his completely. “I need you around so that I can make green gremlin happy, okay?” You said squeezing his hand. Your heart was slowing. You felt sadness overflow you. You may have hated him but seeing him like this kind of broke you. You blamed it on the force bond but it didn’t really matter at this point. If he was dying, you wanted to treat him like any other patient. You convinced yourself that you only wanted to comfort him in his last moments. You looked down his body at the doctors deftly working at sewing his stomach up. You were happy at how quickly they worked but not at how slow his heart was. 

You took a couple of deep breaths. You wiped your brow, knowing probably his blood smeared your forehead in the process. You steadied yourself as much as possible. You focused on his eyes, still dead to the world. “What's left to deal with?” You asked barely above a whisper to the doctors. 

“We.. we have the flesh wound on his face, but otherwise there’s no reason for his heart to have not picked up. Our scanners aren’t picking up with any other problem.” one of the team reluctantly spoke. Your eyes stared daggers into them. “Worthless. He’s been in here one hour and you can’t figure out these things even with robots telling you what’s wrong?” You knew you probably couldn’t do much more than them but you weren’t used to feeling so useless 

You closed your eyes originally in anger. You were the only one that could help. You knew why one of his knights dragged you in here. He hadn’t spoken the entire time he was there in the corner. Without opening your eyes, you raised your voice a bit higher. “How long was he dumped and wounded before someone found him? Where was this?” You aimed towards Bucket #2 (Kylo was still #1).

His voice came out clear as day unlike Kylo’s. He lacked the machinery. “An hour on Takodana. In one of the wooded areas.” His voice sounded calm. His leader was left to die for an hour and he sounded calm. You ignored your anger and your mind ran through countless scenarios. Woods were your specialty. You’ve actually been to Takodana and you flipped through memories in your journal of the area. You’ve visited before. The only thing that could've happened was maybe falling on something poisonous? Maybe scanners couldn’t sense further internal bleeding? In either case, you knew what you had to try to do. 

“If this doesn’t work, I won’t forgive you for dying without me beating you in a proper saber battle.” You whispered looking back up at Kylo. His eyes staring forward. His machines beeping loudly. You shut everything out. You squeezed his hands and focused. You bit your lip until you broke the skin, forcing you to focus on yourself and the force. It hadn’t worked for the month you’ve been here. You focused on the voices and how they first came to you. You remembered the training and words of encouragement. You yelled and cried internally when you couldn’t feel anything. “Please… Please.” Why were you trying this hard? You were confusing yourself as your soul was painfully pulled towards him. The force bond made you feel desperate as if you were the one clinging to life. Just when you were going to stop to look once more at him, your eyes blurred again and you blinked rapidly and then squeezed them shut. 

That was when it all came to you. You were staring down at the scene. You watched as your hand squeezed Kylo’s so tight that your knuckles were white. You stared at the doctors who were still hurrying cleaning up his stomach. You heard yourself whispering pleas inside of your head, but not as thoughts. It was if you were listening to them as someone else. You looked around and looked for Kylo. Usually, in these situations, you would see each other. You didn’t have time to really focus on that. As soon as the connection became clear you shoved all of your intentions and feelings into healing him. You felt your chest constrict in your incorporeal form. You were straining yourself even as a ghost. You watched as your body in reality wavered. You slouched and almost fell onto the floor with the exertion. A doctor held onto you and was trying to talk to you, asking if you were okay. You were unable to respond. 

With one final push, you gasped loudly in pain.

You were back to the main world with no warning. There you suddenly were again, your chest aching. It was just blood loss. He would’ve recovered with a few transfusions. You knew this because your abdomen broke open. Blood pooled from the wound you successfully created against yourself. Your scrubs turned black when the colors mixed. Doctors began screaming for another bed and more help. They were terrified. They were all screaming at each other asking how and why. You fell forward and placed your hand that wasn’t on Kylo’s over top of the wound. You were so happy that it worked. You didn’t know why. You thought of why you were angry in the first place and made a sound as if laughing but it came out as a weak breath. 

And as you looked back up to Kylo, the blood on his forehead and face still running, his eyes stared at you. Alive. You had taken the brunt of it all. With a weak smile, you tried to squeeze his hand but fell further forward. You weren’t very worried. If you died, you died. You felt your heart falter. Your hands and feet became numb but you were still able to feel Kylo’s close around yours for just a moment and before the world turned black, you whispered, "You're so quiet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep getting kudo's so I guess I'm doing some things right. English isn't my first language so it's hard in general. I like knowing some of you enjoy it so far! I think I'll be writing another chapter within the next day or two. I'm planning on Kyloxreader to start getting more intense after this for obvious reasons!


	6. Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So look at this moodboard! Lots of black and white. I haven't been uploading recently but I'm trying. work, physical and mental health has slowly been eating me. Here I am, now!

You used to play the guitar. You also knew you were in some sort of a dream world and you knew you would be waking any minute. In the meantime, songs you used to recite to yourself floated around. Words appearing in front of you and whirling like in a breeze. Most of the songs you knew were love songs, despite not having much experience in it. One song in particular made you melancholy. 

_“How can you miss someone you never met?”_

The tremor in your voice was soft and gentle. It sounded tired and needed exercise. It’s been so long since you’ve sung anything.

_“Because I need you now but I don’t know you yet.”_

Little images of a young boy you’d dream about passed by peacefully. Memories of the sun and sand recurred and it was if the boy in front of you finally noticed you. He was sitting in the middle of a little sandcastle, building up pieces as they fell with weight. His head rose to yours and your eyes met.

_“Can you find me soon because I’m in my head?”_

You continued, smiling at the boy in front of you. In these memories, he was gentle and soft. He wasn’t covered in blood and he was smiling, his teeth showing in obvious joy as if you were the sun that was bearing down on him.

_“Yeah, I need you now but I don’t know you yet..’Cause lately it’s been hard.”_

The boy grew up in front of you. Wearing black clothes and his cape with no helmet. He was still soft, even with the scar across his face. His smile stayed, his canines showing. His brown eyes gleamed almost mischievously. Little pictures and ideas in your head formed. A child in your arms. Dancing in the middle of a kitchen, twirling and almost falling over. Kisses and hugs and laughing... 

You felt yourself being tugged gently awake from reality. You stayed for a moment to keep looking at him while both of your smiles grew. In this reality, you were certain of you being able to fix him and bring him back. 

Your heart broke. You realized that the face you’ve been chasing since you were young would be the face you chase till you’re old. The realization wasn’t a surprise to you. You just risked your life for him. Your soul told you it was more of the connection. You’d wake up and this boy wouldn’t be around you anymore but in this dream, he was just as dedicated to you as you were to him.

You reached out to touch him and he reciprocated silently. When your fingers touched, you woke up with echoes of the song in your head

“ _How can you miss someone you’ve never seen?_ ”

**-*_*-*_*-*_*-**

He was in the corner of the room sitting. He stared at you, sizing up the bandages under your ribs. Kylo stayed the entire time staring at you until you woke. He was told you would be just as fine as you were before with just a few treatments. But... He could feel you falling apart. He felt the sadness radiating off of you as you woke. He wanted to rip it out of you. Erase your memories and train you to be above all of this. Your feelings took over his own. Recently, your anger forced him into rages. Droids and technicians had to cover up remnants of debris inside of his room and his TIE fighters. 

He sighed. He was somewhat thankful for your sudden loss of the force connection. It took away the pain he felt. It made him uncomfortable and weak around you. You brought out feelings in him that he hadn’t felt since he was young. Feelings of inadequacy. He didn’t know when your emotions ended and his began.

Kylo stood up and stalked over to you at the sudden sound of you sighing. 

“Milla.” He said sternly. A groan was the response. You could tell he was rolling his eyes in his mask. “Milla..” He said with slight venom in his tone. He was annoyed. 

You poked an eye open at him. There was sadness that peaked through your green orbs. It quickly dove back into your being. He was able to catch it momentarily, his eyebrows drawing in in response. You smirked at him. “You’re all alive. Look at you. All perfect an- Ugh shit. Ow.” You flinched as you adjusted yourself to sit up on your elbows. You scanned yourself, only noticing the bandage on your side. You took a shaky breath remembering what brought you here. The fear of him dying rushed over you like a waterfall. Your eyes shot to his and he could feel your unease through you. 

“I’m fine. Snoke was right about your powers. He’s very proud.” Kylo stated professionally. “Get dressed. I’ll be right outside.” He coughed and left with a little swish of his cape. You were jealous of how he didn’t trip over his as you did. You were also pretty shocked at how quick you healed this time. Now that you were worth something, you would get the five-star treatment. This entire ship was filled with assholes.

Much less shaky than you were the first time you were in the med bay, you swung your legs off the edge of the bed, and with a small patter, your feet hit the floor. The bandages adhesive adjusted at the new stance and you made an “ick” face. You were happy this time that they left your bottoms on, although they were still your scrubs. They were cleaned but stains of his blood could be seen in discoloration. You went to grab the rest of your clothes, but when you reached the turtleneck the bandages ripped a little and you were sick of it. “Get the fuck off of me,” You mildly growled as you slithered your hand down to the edges of the tape and ripped it off without a warning. You bit down on your lip, tasting blood. But when sliding on the sweater completely, your eyes finally looked at the wound.

It was fully healed... Almost. It was red and raw. White lines were forming a scar. It was jagged, looking like a blossom of a rose. You were proud it didn’t look matching to Kylo’s facial one or like a lightning scar. You read stories of some chosen one with one on his forehead and you didn’t enjoy them, much to the general populaces' disagreement. Your eye twitched at the hours you spent debating that topic. You looked silly with your sweater and scrubs but shrugged, ignoring putting on everything else. You were decent enough. 

You dragged your feet to your doom as you slid open the doors. Kinda shocking to you, he was right next to the door waiting patiently in some sort of soldier stance. Scared the fuck out of you in the process. 

“Come.” He said and started walking in the direction of the ship that you haven’t explored yet. Hux was pretty adamant about some parts being restricted. Even to you. You didn’t say anything and excitedly followed. You observed him the entire time as he scraped just the first layer of your brain, scanning your feelings, and not thoughts.

You noticed he didn’t seem annoyed with you but he was hurrying along, making you anxious. Were you about to be thrown off the ship into a garbage shoot? Honestly, it seemed a cool way of going down in space.

Something warm reached the back of your head, massaging your scalp. You heard little laughs and whispers and you froze. Kylo stopped in his tracks and turned to you. His voice is robotic and creepy. “Follow. Now. Don’t stop.” He reached his hand to you and you arch your eyebrows. Obviously, you didn’t leave the dream world. You preferred the soft version of him. The soft version of him without his mask and the version where he looked cute. This version just glared and tried to kill you a bunch. You hesitated and didn’t take his hand in time. He dropped it silently. You could sense his anger. 

He wanted to relax you but you couldn’t understand why. The fact you could feel him at all enlightened you. Little wisps of conversation comforted you and echoed his words. You walked and marched for forever to the sound of his boots clicking. Little giggles urged you on just as Kylo did. So you followed. And the closer you followed the louder and more clear the whispers became. You heard people call your name, encouraging you once more. You felt the voices of the ones who trained you to start nagging you at how you were taking too long. When you were about to snap back like you usually did at them, you walked straight into Kylo. He didn’t respond to it. You were both paused in front of giant doors. All black and shiny of course. Matching the rest of any other stupid room on this ship. You sighed loudly, impatiently. The nagging told you to open them already. 

Without even more words, if silence could be even more devoid of sound, Kylo opened the door.

There was light everywhere. It felt like the sun. You stepped over Kylo, ignoring him as you felt the warmth of it on your face. You suddenly became aware of how you forgot to put on shoes but it didn’t bother you as you felt.. Grass. Dirt. You didn’t hear any birds or anything but you saw trees. You saw gardens of all kinds of types of vegetables and fruits. You saw flowers in spots and man-made ponds You turned around to Kylo with a look of bewilderment. Voices wrapped around you almost painfully. They felt like a breeze over your skin that caused goosebumps. The feelings of the people around the ship rushed into your head. You dropped to the ground in response, your hands on your head and over your ears. Tears built up in your eyes but it was out of happiness. Yes, it was a giant pressure filling your brain and you wanted it to stop, but having the feeling yanked away again terrified you, so you let it happen. You made sure to level your breath. And finally, finally. Little green gremlin floated in front of you. The background, along with Kylo disappeared. It was just the two of you, in your little worlds, blocked off. Kylo wasn’t able to reach you. 

“Your steps have begun, they have. You can continue. Forward, you are moving. Failure is just another lesson.” His voice echoed with others. His voice which was gravely was echoed by men and women with honeyed voices. And with a second, reminiscent of how you came out of your coma, the gremlin was vacuumed away from you. Leaving you back on the ground kneeling with Kylo in front of you. His helmet was off and his eyes showed… concern?

His eyes switched back to his normal, scary gaze but something came over you. Feelings of confusion, happiness, pain, anger, annoyance. You didn’t know when the force would leave you again but in this one moment, you felt powerful. His feelings confused you. He was searching heavily through your head, so both of you were just a bundle of nerves ricocheting off of each other's energies. 

He was speaking but your head was still blurry. He was glancing around, speaking, and nodding his head at areas of the room. You continued sensing him, both of your emotions mixing. He stopped his little speech and turned to face you once more. He reached for his helmet and began sliding it on. 

“I want my quarters moved next to here. I need to be here. If I’m to be anywhere close to what Snoke needs me to be... It has to be done here.” You lashed out suddenly. Your hand reached to his arm, tugging him.

He paused with his helmet and you saw his face twitch. “I’ll approve of it.” He went to stand back up, returning to sliding his helmet back on but you shocked yourself by reaching out with the force and freezing him on the ground in front of you, making him stay kneeling. 

And with another shock, you leaned forward, arms immediately around his neck, knocking him to the side slightly as you pressed your lips to his. You were so, so thankful. You were so happy. Although it was for a moment, you saw and felt that the light in him had told him to take you here. Something in him let him realize what you needed and wanted. 

He was rigid as a statue. His only movement was him slightly falling to the side, his hand steadying him. You didn’t feel any feeling from him. Shit. You killed him. He wanted to kill you and you already almost died once for this serial killer but your heart wanted him. You were tired of fighting it. A kiss is just a kiss, right? 

Small memories that belonged to neither of you appeared as if projected in front of you. A woman and man rolled down a field filled with small flowers, laughing, and kissing at the end. The woman was so happy, and the man, even with a scar down his face, just like Kylo’s, matched her energy. And with that: Kylo unfroze. You let the force let go around him. You expected him to pull back but he threw his helmet to the side. He put his hands, still gloved, to your cheek and held your face there as his lips pressed firmly back against yours. It was gentle, and your lips moved tentatively against his, pressing harder against him at one point as your body relaxed forward against him. 

Suddenly, his emotions changed. He snarled slightly and you tried to escape his hold of your head but he pulled you even closer. His lips this time around became rough. His teeth scraped your lips, his tongue running over them and over the cut you bit into earlier. He groaned against your mouth to breathe and you snuck in a breath of your own. You let yourself fall backward. His roughness didn’t scare you. You surprised yourself as you felt your back hit the ground and you held him close to you with your thighs. He fit perfectly on top of you. His forearms braced next to your head as he continued kissing you. 

You should’ve stopped. This wasn’t the person in your dreams but this version of him sent a shock to your core. You wanted him dangerously. You wanted him right now as the man covered in blood. You arched your back, pressing your hips to his with a roll against his groin. He hissed and bit your lip, pulling it into his mouth. You could feel his arousal rise against you and once more, your inner voice told you to stop. It reminded you that you were outside with a man who tried to kill you twice. You reminded yourself of the hate you felt for him that made you ignore him even when your soul cried out for him. You didn’t hear any internal voices of the light call out to you to stop and you took that as a green light. 

You hooked your fingers in his hair and continued rolling your hips against his until finally, he pulled away from your mouth completely. He leaned up only enough as needed to slip his hands quickly to your waist, lifting the edge of your shirt up and quickly over your head. You weren’t embarrassed as you were bare beneath him, only a bra separating you. In return, you reached up and unhooked his cape. He threw it to the side just like his helmet. You dropped your hands from him and as he did his cape you reached to lift off his shirt but you felt the force block you, your hands shooting up to above your head, bound there. 

You whimpered silently, shocked at how you responded to the roughness of it. Your arms ached from how tight he held them. He smirked, one of his canines flashing. Your thighs clenched and you squirmed, arching your back to try to go back to grinding against him. The missing friction driving you crazy. Your brain was internally sick with anxiety. You can’t be doing this. Not with him. But your body screamed otherwise.

“Tell me what you want.” His voice was deep and husky. You stared up at his eyes silently in response. You thought over this entire situation, unable to truly decide what it was you wanted out of this. How would this affect you? You weren’t exactly a virgin but you weren’t some type of expert. Thoughts kept you occupied until you felt his hand brush over your breasts. You closed your eyes and once more your back arched forward, gasping. 

“Tell me.” You felt his voice next to your ear. His hand continued down to your waistband, his fingertips only slightly brushing beneath them. “Tell me.” His voice was becoming irritable and slightly angry. You felt his arousal through his mind and it kept you hooked. His hands retracted quickly and you pouted, opening your eyes. You desperately needed his touch. 

“Tell me. Now.” His eyes were deep brown and glaring at you. You were still held down and the words broke past your lips without you thinking. 

“Touch me.” You whispered. 

He ran a single finger down the canyon between your breasts, pulling down your bra. Your straps slid down with the motion allowing your bra to rest awkwardly under your chest, but still uncovering your nipples to the cold air. You didn’t even blush. All you wanted was him to touch your chest. Your nipples. With his hand or his mouth, you didn’t care. You wanted it all. His bites and nibbles, his groans. Everything. 

“What do you say?” He chided you like a child. He irritated you to no end. Of course, he would make you beg. 

“Please... Kylo.” You didn’t look him in the eye as you said it. You felt the sting before registering as he slapped one of your breasts harshly. You gasped loudly but still couldn’t fight the wetness that began to pool between your thighs, which you were still squirming. “H-Hey!” You objected.

“What is my name? Have you forgotten? What is it you made fun of in your room again…” He sneered. The sting lingered. He leaned down to trail kisses down your neck, nibbling as he went lower, brushing dangerously to your chest. You didn’t care anymore. You moaned loudly at the simple action.

“Please, Master. Touch me!” You pleaded. Immediately his lips closed around one of your nipples. You nearly screamed as he suckled you. You were moaning so loudly even at this. You were being driven crazy. One of his hands tweaked and pinched at your other nipple. Another hand slipped between the both of you and you pressed against it. He once more slid his hands beneath the waistband of your bottoms. His fingertips sneaked lower and you thanked the heavens that he didn’t make you beg more before his hand cupped your sex. His ring and middle finger brushed against your entrance, ignoring your clit. “You’re so wet, already..” You kept your eyes closed and moaned and whimpered at his words. You panted as you tried to get his fingers inside of you by rocking forward. “You’re so needy.” He leaned closer to your ear, his lips brushing your earlobes. The bass of his voice made you shiver. “You’re the perfect apprentice. Such a dirty slut.” 

Him calling you a slut didn’t help the arousal dripping from you. You moaned at the same time as his fingers entered you with no warning. You were wet enough that it didn’t hurt at all. Even his fingers felt thick and it reminded you that you haven’t done this with anyone recently. Your eyes flashed open at the memories of the last one you were with for only a second before his hand that was massaging your breast shot forward to grab your jaw. He was glaring dangerously at you and he let your mouth go to land a hard slap across your cheek. “If your eyes leave mine, even once, all this stops. Remember.” You stretched your jaw out, flinching. You refused to disobey him, however and kept your eyes glued to his. You wanted to call him out on hurting you but this entire situation made your brain feel mush. His fingers continued to thrust roughly into you. No matter how bad your back arched and you bit your lip, you kept your eyes on him.

He pulled back with his fingers suddenly leaving you. You felt empty and still wanting. You were about to start begging again for him to come back to you when you saw him lean up and reach between the both of you to pull down your pants and panties to your ankles roughly. You finished kicking them off with your eyes still glued. He leaned back down against you, kissing you roughly, with silent permission to close your eyes as he did so. You felt his hands go back to where they were on your body, his fingers at your waist this time circling your clit. You moaned loudly, almost a scream. Your hips rolled against his fingertips. The summit of your arousal was so close and you needed it. Your stomach was twisting and your hips were impossible to control. 

You yanked your mouth away from his for a moment to gasp for air. His lips once more were felt against your ear. “Ask nicely.” He said simply and soon you were a pleading mess. “Please make me cum. Please, Master” Your voice wavered.

His fingers didn’t stop his assault. His hands still pinched against your breasts. His mouth trailed kisses and bites down your neck. You should’ve once again felt embarrassed about doing this right now, here, with him. Anyone could walk in if they wanted. Your feelings were literally thrown to space. You are so distracted that you didn’t feel his hands retract from your clit for just a moment before pressure was felt against your entrance. You flinched against it, knowing what it was. He used the force to hold your hips down. He braced himself on his forearms next to your head once again to stare down at you, your eyes echoing with lust just like his. 

“Good girl.” He whispered as he thrust into you with one thrust. You couldn’t help closing your eyes with a scream as he did so. You came as he did so so easily unraveling around him. Your body shivered and clenched around him, squeezing his cock hard. Your legs weren’t held down so you wrapped them around his waist. He didn’t go slow and his cock was shoving forcefully against your cervix. It hurt. Oh, gods, it hurt. But you didn’t ask him to stop. Not for a fucking second. You took it silently, your body making you moan anyways. Soon enough the pain would be replaced with pleasure, you knew this. You were so surprised to hear a moan come from him in response. He was panting and groaning hard above you. “Such a good girl... Such a good cum slut.” He growled out. His words continued to go straight down to your core. He didn’t even offend you. Wet sounds were heard coming from him pounding into you and you didn’t even blush. He was making a mess out of you. You were moaning so loud you were surprised no one was coming in to see if someone was dying. You laughed internally thinking that even then, you wouldn’t stop. 

He wrapped an arm around the back of one of your thighs, pressing it back and against your chest. The angle allowed him to thrust even deeper. Your breath was stolen and your moans turned to gasps of air mixed with pain and pleasure. You could feel his cock twitch within you. You felt the coil return to you and you started blabbering again about begging for permission to cum all over again. He grunted and put his hand over your mouth. “Just fucking take it, slut.” 

And with that, you came all over again. Your pussy clenched so tight around him that you could feel the veins clench in his cock so hard. You could feel his thrusts falter and you knew he was close. His cock began pulsing inside of you. You couldn’t breathe with his hand in the way and your eyes watered. Suddenly, he pulled away from you. He straddled your face and you were confused. He reached down and popped your jaw open with his hand and you registered quickly what was happening. You tried to brace yourself. Suddenly, hot jets of his cum released over your face and inside of your mouth. You held your jaw open obediently. He tasted bitter and you flinched when some covered your eye. He stroked the last few drops of it, placing his tip over your lips and dragging his head across them, smearing his remnants. “Swallow.” He panted. You did so quickly, keeping eye contact. The force was released and you were able to relax underneath of him, your hands coming down from above your head.

You panted heavily, recovering your breath. Your core pulsed still, wanting more but your brain clicked. You just had sex with him. No. No no no. Shame covered you and you wanted to flee. In the same reaction, he nearly threw himself off of you, grabbing his cape as he pulled his pants on, tucking himself in gracefully. He tucked his cape over his shoulders and clicked it. His shirt was on the entire time and you didn’t even notice. He had beads of sweat on his forehead still as he stared down at you. You were completely naked and covered in his essence. You saw him swallow thickly at the sight of you. You went to grab up your bra and click it on. You reached down to pull on your panties, ignoring the burn of your most recent scar. You were pulling up your bottoms when you heard the doors slide open. You looked up at him, helmet on and everything. Calm as ever. He turned his head, not looking at you. 

“Stay here. The crew will be next door to set up the room.” and with that, he left.

Your pants were halfway pulled up, your shirt off, covered in cum, and he left. Your shame grew. It threatened to explode. Anger also grew. At yourself and him. This force connection was ruining your life. You slid your clothes on quickly, using your shirt to clean off your face. You breathed heavily, staring at the ground for what seemed like forever. Your thighs ached. You knew before trying that you won’t be able to stand. 

One tear fell on the grass and you stared at it not recognizing it as your own. You put your hand over the spot it fell and sighed. You relaxed yourself down on the ground. You closed your eyes and felt the sun (or whatever light was replicating it) over your eyelids. You focused on your breathing. You focused on the little artificial streams and the way vents made it sound like it was real wind passing over the plants. No. This wasn’t the forest. But he brought you the best he could give. Even if, for some reason after all of that, your feelings didn’t budge. But something within him broke a little, even just a small crack. But you did something. Yeah, you betrayed your mind and heart a little, but he was soft. If only for a moment. You felt his kiss at the start of it all. 

You had a chance.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope I did well here. I like to dwell on movements and details and haven't written in awhile. Anyways. Leave some comments and kudos so I can get some feedback! If you want to help with ideas let me know. :)  
> Ps: Dude, the writing formatting for this is so wonky. I use google drive to type up my stuff and just paste it here but like.. eck.


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